veritty

• both therapy and japanese (two regular things I have weekly) have been so good this week, despite yesterday being a horrid mess of anxiety. COOL.

• i'm reading Heaven Official's Blessing/Tian Guan Ci Fu and it's everything I expected. it's comforting despite all the horror, and I think it will continue to be comforting for me even when soul-destroying angst arrives, especially since by then it will feel even more familiar. it's just... my type of story, I think, and I have had that feeling for a long time before I even started to read it. (guess my intuition in those things still works, nice.) Xie Lian is a very very comforting (and comfortable) narrator, and I think it will be the story I'm especially weak for – aka good intentions leading into terrible, no-good things. and characters who mean good but FUCK EVERYTHING UP AGAIN AND AGAIN.

(...oh god, is this why I love Xiao Xing Chen's story so much? fuck, I'm so obvious hhhh goddammit.)

• that said, I'm hyperaware of how much MDZS has become kind of a home to me already. god. I just love the world to pieces, I wanna roll around it and wonder at its existence. every time I get a little bit away from it, be it bc of TGCF or something else, and then come back, i feel SUCH WARMTH. ITS HOME. I KNOW IT SO INTIMATELY ALREADY. i love it when the world of the text feels like this... it's the best feeling, the one I seek out with many canons AND fics... ahhhh

• I wonder if it will take an audiodrama (when it inevitably gets produced) to get me into SV... although I'm getting closer to giving it a try.

trying to remember i have a DW, again. just in time for new years? yay?

so the past week has basically just been trying to balance the feeling of productiveness (which i actually do) with still riding the coat tails of my breakdown at the therapist a week ago, which kinda. drilled into my head that i do need to rest.

that said, I've managed to ship about 2/3 of the calendars, mostly thanks to all the helpful and amazing women I keep encountering (the one who was the manager of my printing order, the saint at the post office etc). i still need to deliver on all of the digital-only rewards, and I keep just... editing a couple of Shomas and dropping it so we'll see how much I manage to rest the fuck out in Italy as I planned.

MDZS keeps filling my heart with feelings. I actually started it out not just because choro has been RTing a lot of beautiful art and recommended it to me when I asked, but also because, amazingly enough, I wanted to read something really plotty. (initially I even asked for fic recs since I easily read stuff without canon knowledge and I read fics easier these days, but I started MDZS first and well, rip.) and oh boy! it delivers! it sure does! aaand now I can apparently start crying really easily just watching some fansong videos or seeing art, pretty much on-spot. fucking yi city man (speaking of, i went into some russian threads for no fucking reason, discovered there's quite a fanbase there that I probably don't wanna get into – not to mention I can't decipher the abbreviated names based on russian transliterations dhjskjds – and someone early on mentioned not liking yi city... like...... how)

I actually stalled a bit (knowing the end of translated chapters was nearing, probably) and even got into another mobile game which is Japanese only and isn't even a rhythm game, or even about girls, so why.... I don't know. cards seemed pretty? but nothing really matters except that at some point I discovered THE MUSIC and spent several days listening to 魅惑劇 and 聖少年遊戯 non-stop. also it gets, uhh, dark?? and super angsty? in the few translated stories i read? so what's up with that

tomorrow is the last Japanese class of the year for me, and then uh, if I do end up going to Bolzano, I guess I get to test it out with the Japanese fans? idk. probably not much progress since November and Rostelecom Cup. the lessons lately, since we were kinda... transferred to a new school, have been a bit less fun, more by-the-book, less chances for me to Show Off Those Two Years of WaniKani esp considering our new russian teacher clearly likes showing off too, but we managed not to butt heads too much yet (probably since I'm still way below in my Japanese, otherwise it might have been uhhh uncomfortable)
NEVERMIND i just saw two kanji I know in a (Chinese, obviously) fansong video and they actually even sounded very similar to onyomi readings, so I'm content.