veritty

this is the stupidest shit ever. like i literally got away from moscow and spent my birthday in the freaking hague watching figure skating. but no, somewhere deep inside i was still looking forward to it, i still wanted sweet words and surprising presents or, or, something. more than i got, i guess. i know we're all adults.

the worst thing is, it just feeds into my overall impression of how i'm not doing enough for people to, idk, be? friends? with me? and it's unfair, but i can't DO anything, if i don't work my ass off at keeping all my relationships alive and thriving. if i feel lonely AND have no spoons, i still have to write to people, of course.
and if you take every case as an individual, nobody is to blame, absolutely. people have their own things, mental problems, studies, work, they forget, god, I forget; but all together, it. piles up. i guess.
i keep thinking: i'm doing something wrong. i shouldn't try to keep all this friendships going. i should expect less. i should tell people – but how can i, can i what, demand? attention? i'm sorry, i'm a literal black hole that needs more and more love? even now. even now.

i guess it'll blow over in a couple days.

Played Hiveswap today.

i'm still rattled by how extraordinarily appealing and suited to me it is. It's so easy to forget that things like that... exist. There's so many things where, well, something will not be "your" kind of thing, and you can still enjoy it, just ignoring some stuff if it doesn't annoy or distract you way too much.
But this – I just get sucked in? everything is so perfectly tailored to my tastes. the music the characters the way the story unravels the relationships formed THE WORDS. god, it's the words, always. hussie's way with words that has me screaming GOD THIS IS MY SHIT inside all the time. it's just. it just works. it's just funny, and clever, and interesting, and appealing. ok.

I remember getting a similar feeling from reading the first act of Homestuck for the first time, which, yeah. lol. i was so stunned by how much i laughed at the jokes there! like, all the time! stuff with jokes that really appeal to me exists??? sounds fake but okay

it's like i spend so much time surrounded by stuff that i have, like. around 70% (or lower) compatibility with. maybe 80% on the good day. and that's fine. but then i'm trying to figure out why i'm not watching more stuff, or playing more games, or reading more books, and... this. that's the thing. the reasoning.

everything changes, but at the same time, nothing, not really.
between listening to/watching Death Note musical again, walking around SPb, SUDDENLY ANIME EVERYWHERE – all of that, of course. just like last new year holidays. but, on the other hand, I have money! well, not really, because I blew 26k rub on tickets to Worlds. I mean, it's not the worst since I actually have a decent salary (which I'm constantly ashamed of. which is not right, but I still can't fix it). plus i actually travelled quite a bit this year. plus, of course... skating. yeah.

but nothing really compares to the way I continue to identify with Mother Mother songs.

I feel like every time The Sticks come up in my playlist, I just... put everything aside and soak in how right and true everything about that is. sometimes music is just on point; not just lyrics, but the melody, the arrangement, the drive, the intensity of it portray that feeling like nothing else does. "archipelago, take me / I'm looking to isolate me" may as well be slapped onto my forehead. same, but different with Dread In My Heart, or Infinitesimal, or Get Out Of The Way, or any of them, really. there's nobody else who portrays the brain stuff exactly as i feel it.

there's nothing quite as purposeful and fulfilling than just deciding you need to cross those 1400 km and see your friend perform in the competition finale without telling pretty much anyone including her.

(nnn, claire's face when i finally found her after the results announcement is something i'm gonna carry in my heart forever.)

and even if it's just one evening, and i forgot some stuff and didn't do more, it's okay? it's somehow alright.

Current Music: kimi no na wa

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