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Apr. 25th, 2020 11:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
verittyi realise that i may need to keep a diary more than anything, ever, so here i am. i don't know what language to use. i don't know anything.
i'm in this weird place, where... i was asked a couple days ago if i still consider myself depressed, and realised that i don't know. i have therapy (well, i'm planning to resume it after coming back from Japan) and i take antidepressants, but do i really have depression still? i have kind of... depressive slumps that are definitely my brain acting up and messing with me, but these are not that often? and most of the issues i have right now are definitely something i need therapy to work through. maybe i could even go off meds now (i mean, theoretically, maybe a doctor would slowly take me off meds right now and i would be fine).
it's weird. i'm doing better than you'd think i would, as an extravert in a pandemic, as a person so dependent on friends. past three months in Japan i mostly spent talking to friends who are online and very far from me, especially the last month, so that kinda prepared me for it.
writing this i realise that i'm talking so broadly and i actually don't wanna do that. i wanna start up a diary again, because i have a need to write down thoughts and feelings, immediate ones, and im still not doing this.
so here goes:
i'm hungry. i'm making potatoes that are already making me feel kinda sick, bc i'm also in a depressive slump and i'm not sure what to do. i feel guilty about spending money again, even though i'm like. not spending money almost at all. oh my god i was going to take design courses, i'm not doing that. why am i not doing that? oh i'm really good at writing fics lately though. it's nice. i met someone who is a very cool person but i think the fleur of initial interest has passed and i'm slowly getting disillusioned, which is. kinda sad. actually i should work on some graphics. and the pie. today grandma kinda humorously shamed me for being "lazy", just because i said it took me two weeks to finally wash the kitchen floor. i was too tired to explain i don't believe in laziness, and also that i'm doing a fucking ton during all of this.
whatever.
i'm in this weird place, where... i was asked a couple days ago if i still consider myself depressed, and realised that i don't know. i have therapy (well, i'm planning to resume it after coming back from Japan) and i take antidepressants, but do i really have depression still? i have kind of... depressive slumps that are definitely my brain acting up and messing with me, but these are not that often? and most of the issues i have right now are definitely something i need therapy to work through. maybe i could even go off meds now (i mean, theoretically, maybe a doctor would slowly take me off meds right now and i would be fine).
it's weird. i'm doing better than you'd think i would, as an extravert in a pandemic, as a person so dependent on friends. past three months in Japan i mostly spent talking to friends who are online and very far from me, especially the last month, so that kinda prepared me for it.
writing this i realise that i'm talking so broadly and i actually don't wanna do that. i wanna start up a diary again, because i have a need to write down thoughts and feelings, immediate ones, and im still not doing this.
so here goes:
i'm hungry. i'm making potatoes that are already making me feel kinda sick, bc i'm also in a depressive slump and i'm not sure what to do. i feel guilty about spending money again, even though i'm like. not spending money almost at all. oh my god i was going to take design courses, i'm not doing that. why am i not doing that? oh i'm really good at writing fics lately though. it's nice. i met someone who is a very cool person but i think the fleur of initial interest has passed and i'm slowly getting disillusioned, which is. kinda sad. actually i should work on some graphics. and the pie. today grandma kinda humorously shamed me for being "lazy", just because i said it took me two weeks to finally wash the kitchen floor. i was too tired to explain i don't believe in laziness, and also that i'm doing a fucking ton during all of this.
whatever.
