(no subject)

this is the stupidest shit ever. like i literally got away from moscow and spent my birthday in the freaking hague watching figure skating. but no, somewhere deep inside i was still looking forward to it, i still wanted sweet words and surprising presents or, or, something. more than i got, i guess. i know we're all adults.

the worst thing is, it just feeds into my overall impression of how i'm not doing enough for people to, idk, be? friends? with me? and it's unfair, but i can't DO anything, if i don't work my ass off at keeping all my relationships alive and thriving. if i feel lonely AND have no spoons, i still have to write to people, of course.
and if you take every case as an individual, nobody is to blame, absolutely. people have their own things, mental problems, studies, work, they forget, god, I forget; but all together, it. piles up. i guess.
i keep thinking: i'm doing something wrong. i shouldn't try to keep all this friendships going. i should expect less. i should tell people – but how can i, can i what, demand? attention? i'm sorry, i'm a literal black hole that needs more and more love? even now. even now.

i guess it'll blow over in a couple days.